Song/Poem still not sure which
Note: This is an unfinished and confused something. Any comments would be helpful. And Vala, the emotions are several months old so you need not worry.
Impractical
The vinyl is torn, the imaginery picture gone
And behind it lies grey made up of black and white
It is the black and white that defines my world
That shapes my choices, that slowly strangles me
It strangles me with the memories of a rainbow
And the sounds of a protest that I am not a part of
It strangles me with the happiness that has withdrawn to a memory
An e-mail, a phone call, a snatch of weekend bliss that comes so rarely
I just want the past without the present
The connection without the compromise
I want is back, I want it all back
And so it goes, the torn vinyl lost to the wind
They call it change, they say it is good
But they offer nothing from their stable island
To save those tossed by the stormy sea
We know they lie in their words and on their couches
It tears the bleeding wound, heightening the despair
We fear the sea that holds our future
We fear the isles of grave submission
We were once fighters, we fight on still
Not moving forwards but standing still
posted by Andunneana @ 7:57 AM
3 Comments:
I almost went ahead and read the poem before reading the intro but luckily I caught my name and saw your warning. If it hadn't been for the obvious lightheartedness in your phonecall this morning I would have worried a bit.
I think it would probably make an interesting song seeing as there's no chorus. It makes a great poem though. And here I thought you said you didn't write.
That is were the dividing point between song and poem lies. Do I, or do I not attempt to write a chorus, bridge, etc.
Yes, I've finally gotten around to composing some somwhat more probing comments for you. Here as follows:
My central comment is really more of a question. Do you think that the poem would maybe benefit from being a bit less direct? By this, I suggest considering taking out some of the more narrative language (repetition of "I"); perhaps even breaking the sentences into more fragments - letting the central language of each thought speak for itself without all the proper atricles of grammatical writing. Maybe take an opposite view on a few points, turning them into questions that imply their answer, instead of statements.
Other than that, the imagery you draw upon is wonderful, and the comparisons/contrasts you make are very insightful. Also, the emotion and mood the poem conveys is very powerful.
As for the song discussion, I would certainly still suggest the above changes. However, I would add to that the thought that perhaps if you wanted to add a chorus - you might toy with the idea of the first two lines of the poem. Or, the second to last two lines, with consideration of the two after as a bridge. But that's just a thought. The other idea was that you could always go with a song that has no central chorus/bridge set up. I've heard plenty of songs thusly, and they can work.
Of course, all this is up to you. I look forward to any revisions you may make -- let me know!
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